How to Become a Regular 101
First, find a place with low turnover.
You need someone to recognize you the minute you walk in, and you can’t do that if there’s a constant turnstile of baristas who hit up Brooklyn Mirage a few too many times and show up late to their shifts. Places that have been around a long time are a good indicator of this; most owners of places hiring moonlighting tech workers usually realize that they could be making just as much bank doing tech work themselves and close down shop pretty quickly. You also don’t want to anchor yourself somewhere the workers “just moved here”: if they just moved, they’ll just move again soon enough.
Second, know the people.
Recognize the characters – people who are the soul of the shop. You can figure this out pretty easily because they have their own personality outside of just doing their job. They’re comfortable with their responsibilities and can do them simultaneously while juggling a thoughtful conversation with the next person in line. A good example of this is when you reach halfway through your story and they suddenly yell –
“ESPRESSO FOR TINA?”
– at the perfect volume to reach the dingiest corners of the café without silencing other patrons’ conversations. They might have a unique tattoo or haircut, symbolizing silent rebellion at the system. What system? Usually capitalism but sometimes also the increasing abundance of pickleball replacing basketball courts.
Optionally, they might make proactive conversations with you about niche topics about which you have a variable degree of interest. What are they chatting about? The pop-up shop highlighting emerging designers from Sweden a couple blocks down last Thursday that she hosted – incredible. An underground DJ set an avenue over featuring UK drill over Brazilian bossa nova – distinguished. So interesting!
Third, show up there regularly.
The word implies frequency and commonality. But what cadence is regular? I’ve found that weekly is the tortoise in the proverbial hare story. I’ve never tried to speed-run it by going daily or tri-weekly (by which I mean 3x per week, my writing assistant recommended I clarify), but I assume this works better as long as the above conditions re: recurring employee shifts are true.
If you’re going at the same-ish time on the same-ish day, you see the same-ish workers and same-ish people. Who are those other same-ish people? They are your goal. They are those who have achieved the so-called god-mode status of “regular” in your favorite shop. And just like any idol, you should look up to and copy everything they do so you can be just like them. I once met a woman who went to this coffee shop every morning for 5+ years before ending up working there herself. That’s an S-tier regular right there.
Fourth, care.
It always helps in life to be interested in what others are excited about. When someone talks about their brand new Substack that they poured their heart and soul into, it means they’re trusting to you with part of themselves! And when you listen, they remember you.
Admittedly, it can be hard. Sometimes I find myself listening to the barista and then I see a shiny glass and my eyes wander before dragging my brain into wondering – Who made that glass? Is it actually glass or plastic? It's wonder what kind of color treatment they use to get that brown-black hue on it. Is this really the best glass to use for a hot latte? Surely the owners chose it for a reason. After all, they have great taste in coffee – why wouldn’t they have great taste in cups? – before zoning back into the person in front of me, asking if it’s the same order as usual.
“Yeah, it’s the same order as usu–” WAIT. USUAL? AS IN, MY REGULAR ORDER? THE ONE I’VE GOTTEN EVERY TIME I CAME IN HERE FOR THE LAST YEAR? THE USUAL?????
…
“Oh yes, it will be the usual – thank you!”
…
Congrats, my friend. You’ve reached the promised land.
For all intents and purposes, this is satire. Also a second love letter to Abraço and the wonderful employees there. S/o Dan – you’re the man.